Let me start off by stating something that many people I've talked to recently find difficult to understand: I'm a virgin and will stay that way until I get married. I never really thought that would be such a big deal until I got older and the decision I had made before God became one that I had to follow through with and question my reasoning. Recently, it's been a deal breaker for some relationships I've been in, and I have mixed emotions over the outcomes of those situations.
I'm glad that I can honestly say that I have stood my ground when it became easy to falter. In the heat of the moment, compromises can be made very easily and I've seen how easily I can justify stretching those boundaries juuuusst a hair...but I'm so thankful the Holy Spirit has held me in check. I've almost crossed the line, and God snatched me back. Don't let me fool you into thinking I never struggle with desires, and I'm a perfect saint who never even entertains those types of thoughts or situations. I've just been granted the strength and fear to say no. As a guy was pursuing me, he couldn't understand why I chose to stay away from something that he thought was an essential part of a healthy relationship. The world looks at sex as just another step in the natural progression of "trying a person out". He asked me if I would buy a car I never test drove. Seriously?! Not the same thing. I believe sex is a covenant you cut with the other person, and it holds the same level of commitment as a binding contract, as the promise God made to Abraham, as the devotion He declared for His children. There is no way I'm going to cut a covenant with someone who has not committed their life, first to God, and second to me in front of God and our families. I can't bear the thought of handing my heart to my husband someday saying "here's my heart, honey. I know it's not quite all there, and there are pieces missing, but those were just from other guys. I thought I loved them, but maybe not. Here's what's left! Love you!"
I know that over-simplifies the situation, and there are a million reasons why people have crossed that line in their pasts; many reasons why I have almost crossed that line, but I want to encourage those that have made that mistake that there is beautiful redemption through Jesus Christ. I think sin is sin, and no matter if you cheat on your taxes, on your girlfriend/wife, or steal a grape from the grocery store, it's all sin in God's eyes. If the man I'm supposed to marry is not a virgin, that will be difficult for me to get past, but not impossible. He will have to be as committed to repentance and treating me as a daughter of the Most High as I am to honoring and respecting him. It just saddens me to know that, for that reason alone, many people, a few guys, have decided I was "too good for them" or "not experienced enough" or whatever other lie they chose to believe. I just know that those men were not meant to be in my life for whatever reason. God knows why and I wholly trust Him. I'm not even sad or upset about them walking away, or me walking away from them. I'm sad that they can't see the truth and haven't grasped the severity of something they find to be no big deal. It IS a big deal! Sometimes I wonder if my husband will ever show up...
Ok, on to the New Jeans part--
The last time I bought new jeans was May of last year when I had porked out and couldn't fit into any of my old ones. I bought size 9s and felt so ashamed, but there wasn't much I could do about it at the time. Over the summer I was more active than I had been during my first year in vet school, but I wasn't working out or anything. When I got back to school and started CrossFitting, it took me a while before I was consistently doing it, and adding diet change, as well. Now, it's March and I just bought a pair of size 4 jeans! I feel wonderful, I feel attractive, I feel stronger. I competed in my Box's in-house competition a few weeks ago, and signed up for the 2011 CrossFit Open Games. I did the first Rx'd WOD on Saturday and, even though I'm not anywhere near the top, I'm on the board. I completed a WOD that people across the world are doing, and I never thought I could do, but I've found a side of me that I didn't know was in there... A part of me that says "You've done worse than this before and you finished it." Or "You're over half-way there. Don't stop. Just keep moving!" I've seen how that has overlapped into school, difficult times at home, and other things I'm struggling with. My class had 2 weeks of non-stop exams (7 in 13 days) and everyone was exhausted. I caught myself comparing it to a WOD. Finishing one test was like finishing a round. The last exam was like sprinting back into the box at the end of Helen. I have begun to see how much farther I can push myself and how far I've come.
Helen is one of the named WODs in CF. It's 3 rounds for time of a 400m run, 21 kettlebell swings (35#) and 12 pull-ups. This was the first WOD I ever did and the guy that had me do it was clearly trying to kill me. I could barely jog and got really light headed after the 2nd round. I didn't know how to push myself then, and frankly, I thought I was going to die, so I quit. I vowed never to quit a WOD again. That was in October of 2010. I did Helen again in December when I got my own kettlebell (to break him in and to see how tough holding a brand-new slick KB was, with dew-covered pull-up bars and fun stuff like that), and finished it in 24:40. Terrible, but completed. A few weeks ago my box had us do Helen and I finished in 12:02. I may not be in the top ten on the Games website, or the fastest in my division, but I'm making progress against myself. I have to keep reminding myself of that daily when I compare myself to the other girls at the gym. It's good for me to compare at times, but I can't let it discourage me.
Mom and I went to the Under Armour store yesterday because I wanted to get some shorts. Yes, that's right. Ciera Guardia now owns shorts. I'm not sure how to react to that, either. Just keep breathing. Mom has started doing some CF with me. I taught her how to warm up correctly, squat, lunge, etc. I've got her deadlifting and push-pressing, and we go walking on Sundays. I plan on buying some dumbbells for her to use until she gets stronger. She wants to be stronger and I'm really proud of her. She bought a pair of Under Armour capris and a T-shirt, and the dude that was helping us whistled at her! She's adorable and I hope I'm that cute when I'm her age.
Well, If you've gotten this far down, you might just be bored. Sorry for the ramblings. It's been a while since I've been able to write. I hope I've given you something to think about, and maybe have encouraged you a bit.
