http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/27484-the-misconceptions-of-manhood
This article hit home for me. It asks the questions that seem to be recurring issues with the men I have known lately. Where have all the MEN gone?
Every time someone enters your life, you learn something from them, the situation, and how you both change from it. Obviously, this is true in romantic relationships, but it's also true in relationships of different kinds. After every break up, (romantic, or otherwise), you change a little. You learn something about yourself, and sometimes it's a truth you didn't want to admit. Recently, I was reminded that my initial instinct is almost always right, but I'm too stubborn and naive to trust it.
We've all heard of the "Deal-Breakers" people have. You know, the qualities, habits, conditions that make you say "Oh no, this will never work." Every time someone comes into my life, I find myself trying to be open-minded and find the good in them. I look at their differences from me as good things that will challange me and push my limits. Sometimes these are good things. For example, I started CrossFit because the guy I was dating was a CrossFitter and he got me interested (let's just be honest, I did it to make him happy). In that instance, his charming, flirtatious, complementary character and confidence were the first reasons why I was attracted to him. Soon, those attributes were revealed to be truly reasons why I began to distrust him and his confidence was actually arrogance. Regardless, after the break up, I continued to CrossFit and it has truly changed my life (as cliche as that sounds). It has made me more confident in how I look, and more importantly, it reminds me that being ridiculously skinny (which I could never be; I love to eat too much) is impossible for me, and isn't conducive to the life I will lead as a large animal veterinarian. Strong is beautiful and that is how I feel. Beautiful because that's how God created me. Zits and cellulite and crooked smile and all.
Ok, so back to "The List". It's the deal breakers that make you say "Don't even think about it. Remember what happened last time? No, ma'am." The list is growing, and I'm sure I've forgotten a few important points. but below are the big ones that have recently joined the chorus. (some are qualities that must be present, and some are attributes that are an automatic NO):
Must love Jesus. (This used to be more flexible and just meant "believes in God". Not enough. I'm talking about a man who is truly seeking after God first, and me second. A man who challenges me, holds me accountable, and makes me dive deeper in love with my Creator. This is non-negotiable. If they aren't on fire for God now, it will only get harder as careers, families, children, etc get in the way.)
Must chase after me. (He needs to want to pursue me. A daughter of the Most High God deserves to be treated as such. I know I'm far from perfect and don't pretend to be, but I'm tired of being the one putting in all the effort and getting very little in return. Guys are meant to be the pursuers in the relationship by God's design. They are eventually supposed to be the providers, protectors, and leaders of the household. When they can't even plan a special surprise dinner for the two of you, there's not much hope for the future).
Must support CrossFit. (They don't have to be Rich Froning or be super crazy built. I really don't care about that. All I care about is being able to share with him the milestones I'm making and have him understand, support, encourage, and challenge me. Getting scolded because he's worried I'll get "too bulky and big" only crushes my self image. It makes you feel like you have to hide your PRs and skill accomplishments, No fun. He doesn't have to actually do it himself [although, I'd much prefer that], but he does need to make fitness part of his life. On the other hand, I don't want him to be so obsessed with CrossFit that I feel like I'm unable to keep his attention unless I win every WOD. I can compare myself to Annie T. all day long, but don't you dare talk to me about how pretty and talented she is. Kiss. Of. Death.)
Must have hair. (I'm sorry, bald guys. I'm not one of those girls who thinks bald heads are hot. I like hair. My first BF was in the Corps of Cadets and all I wanted was for the next guy I dated to have some hair. The last guy I dated was bald and I tried to think it was cute. It's not. Sorry.)
Can't be lazy or introverted. (I'm quiet until you get to know me, so I need someone who will start conversations and suggest things to do that will be unexpected, exciting, challenging, new, and will push me out of my comfort zone, within reason. At parties or other social events, I want them to want to show me off and introduce me to people. I usually stand around in the corner at social gatherings. Two of us in the corner only leads to "let's just go home". Boring. Also, I'm a morning person and it's no fun dating a guy who can sleep past 10 with no problem. I can't do that and I don't want to have to wait around for them to wake up so we can go do something fun together. Hiking, CF, horses, camping, rock climbing, all of the activities I want to share with my future husband require getting up and moving fairly early. GET UP!)
Must be trustworthy. (I realize this may be asking too much from some people, and maybe seems obvious to others, but I have some major trust issues, so this is a big deal.)
Must be the same person around me as they are around their family, their best friend, their boss, their professors, or their pastor. (A man of character. That's all I'm asking).
Supportive of Celibacy. (Ideally, I want to marry a virgin like myself. If I have been through so much and still maintained my promise to God, I pray God will bring a man into my life who has done the same. However, I know mistakes and sin happen, and God is the ultimate forgiver and healer. So if they've made that mistake in the past, it's ok, but only if they recognize it as a mistake, and are vowed to stay away from it. I'm not compromising this. Three relationships I've had have ended because of this stance I've taken [they make all kinds of other excuses, but this is the bottom line]. I'm not sure why guys think that I'm joking when I say it's not happening until marriage. That's not a funny joke. Really guys, no means no. If you can't handle that, you need to re-evaluate YOUR deal breaker list).
There are so many other little things, like I want their last name to be better than mine so I'll have a cool
Dr. ______, or I'd prefer them to be a brunette with hazel eyes, or other silly things like that. But these are the big ones. I'll try to update the list as I think of others, and please feel free to leave additions in the comments. (that's assuming anyone actually reads this).
