Strong is Relative

CrossFit: Olympic lifts, agility, gymnastics, muscle endurance, balance, coordination, control, strength. All these things have given me an outlet for the frustration I've been experiencing lately in life. During my first year of vet school, it was torture to be inside the walls of that building. I felt like a failure and couldn't wait to run away, but no one knew that. This year, that building has become my escape (kinda). Everything it represents gives me hope for my future. Although I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and the floor keeps getting pulled out from under my feet daily (no, this isn't about a boy), that building reminds me that there's a rope tied around my waist pulling me to higher ground (which is, ironically, what Sierra means... A higher place...)


So, as I progress with CF, I have been analyzing my goals and motivations. Helen was my first taste of CF and I have no earthly clue why I ever came back after that WOD, but somehow I did. Here I am today; Squatting over 120 for 5 reps, no sweat, doing handstands and burpees in the Rec Center, and deadlifting more than my body weight after just a few months. This is my outlet; my escape; my thing. Why? Because I can. Because I couldn't before and now I can. Because I am worth more than a lump on the couch. Because I want to be able to look hot naked when I get married. Because I want to be a vet that doesn't get winded pulling horse shoes and chasing lazy ponies on a lunge line. Most importantly, I need something to attack. I may never be as strong as the top CF ladies (frankly, I don't even like knowing how far from their ability I am), but I will be stronger than yesterday and will be able to throw my children in the air as many times as they want, just to see them smile.


Stronger. That is beautiful in its own way. My close friends that really know what I've been through lately don't understand how I'm able to keep it all together. What they don't see is the tears of anger and frustration I shed in the truck when I'm alone. I do break, but I don't want people to think that I shatter. As a Christian, I feel like non-believers could see my life and say "wow, if that's the misery that comes with Christianity, I want no part of that". But I was reminded by a friend today that the poise and grace I've shown through all of this (his words, not mine), are the greatest testimony of all. Maybe he's right. He usually is...

Life Rolls on

I feel shipwrecked. My family hit an ice storm and we've been scattered in every direction, with nothing left (although "nothing" is a relative term...) I don't know where we'll go from here as a family. I know I have to press on and focus on school because that is my future. I have to protect that at all costs so that I have a chance of avoiding the mistakes I've watched my parents make over the years. But, in that I feel so terribly selfish. There's nothing I can do to fix all the problems at home, but I still feel like I could do something more...

I trained at the Rec this morning early. I'm trying to do this CrossFit thing on my own to avoid pain from the past, but motivation is hard to find. Somehow, when sleep doesn't come and your mind won't shut off, and it takes every corny joke and unspoken cuss word to keep yourself from tearing up, getting up early in the 20F windchill to run, squat, and do burpees seems like a great escape. I hate running because it emphasizes every weak point I have. Cardio, focus, confidence, and the realization that I'm probably the worst runner ever. This morning I ran past a man in his wheelchair, pushing himself hard on the track. Suddenly I was grateful I had the blessing of functional legs that are blessed to burn like fire. I texted my mom and sister after my workout:

"As much as I hate running, the guy in the wheelchair on the track this morning made me grateful I can run. I'm grateful to God that, through all this terrible mess, I can stumble along with you"

Britt's response: "Awww' I'm glad that we have each other too sister. I'm also glad that you have legs :)"

It might feel like the end of the world, but the world is round and its end won't come until its Creator says so. Until then, I'll keep running.

Getting Focused

I have just a few days left before I go back to school.  I'm starting my second semester of my second year of vet school.  It amazes me how fast these semesters fly by, but even more so how quickly the breaks evade me.  I'm excited to push forward for many reasons, but reluctant in some ways, as well.

I feel like everyday I devote to learning more about veterinary medicine brings me closer to an answer to the biggest question in my mind: Where do I fit into all of this and how am I to use my education for God's will and His glory? 

This little guy is the Studybug.  My ex-boyfriend used to call me that when I had to study.  He's always brought a smile to my face when I'm hitting the books hard (which was almost every night last semester, but it paid off with almost a 4.0).  My ex had lots of nicknames for me, and I realize that's a bit childish looking back on it, but at the time, it was a symbol that I belonged to somebody, or better put, that someone wanted to let the world know that I was worth the time and effort he had invested in me.  He was so good to me and he really set the standard high.  I see clearly now that he and I were not meant to be, but that idealism still reigns in my heart today.  That's the problem.

So, as I face another semester of scholastic challenges that will probably challenge my emotions and self-control, as well as my intellect, I find myself wishing I had someone there who will support me as I go through this, even though they can't fully understand what I'm facing.  I'm the tough one in my family and I want to remain strong and self-sufficient, but I'm a traditionalist and a romantic to a fault.  I want someone as strong as me, preferably stronger, to be able to fall to pieces in front of.  No knight on a white horse (they always have manure stains on them, anyway), no dragon slayer, just a strong shoulder and an ear to listen that will want me just as I am.  One that will be honest, and will light up when I enter the room.  One that has my best interest at heart, even when he makes mistakes.  Lord knows I will always make mistakes. 

The challenge this semester will be to not wonder where that guy is.  The challenge will be to continue to pursue fitness and take care of myself in the meantime.  The challenge will be to ignore lonliness and focus on all the blessings in my life.  The challenge is to keep my mind from fearing I will settle for a man like those that have broken my heart in the past; like my father... like MM... I need to stay in the Word and keep reminding myself that God is the Lover of my soul and wants me above all others.  He will sustain me.