So... I never had to work out before because I always rode horses or walked across campus all day, so I could eat pretty much anything I wanted to, and never see any negavtive consequences... These days, not so much.
First year of vet school really took its toll on me, emotionally, as well as physically. I gained probably 15 lbs (too chicken to actually weigh in), and had to buy all new jeans at the beginning of the summer. Nothing fit and I was in denial that anything had even changed. Once I came to grips with reality, I knew I needed to do something to stop this cycle. A classmate of mine is married to a CrossFit trainer, and she had mentioned getting some of us together to get a group discount for classes. I was so embarassed by how I felt about myself that I was hesitant to even ask her about it, but I was still very interested.
After working hard all summer, I shed a few pounds, but nothing noticable. My classmate couldn't get enough people to commit, and no class got put together. I was disappointed because I know I had no idea where to start, and I knew I would need help, as well as motivation. It's way too easy to give up and I didn't want to let it get even worse. A friend of mine does CrossFit at a different box and mentioned that, if I was interested, he'd show me some things and help me get started. Well, long story short, I started training with him and I've gotten kind of hooked on it. They say it's addicting and once you "drink the Kool-Aid" you're done. I wouldn't say I've gone as far as some CFers I know, but I'm definitely sold on its benefits.
The transition from my school life to my home life was a bit more of a challenge. My family didn't really understand why I was lifting weights, or why I was running (I hate hate hate running), or why I was using something called a kettlebell... but opposition happens when something new is introduced. They saw how much stronger and leaner I had become over the past few months and were happy for me, but it took a while for them to understand why I was doing it. (It didn't help that there was a boy involved. But if they understood how hard this is for me and how utterly disgusting I look when I'm doing it, much less how unattractive I feel when I fail at it, they might not ask me about my motivations with regards to him).
When I came home for Christmas break, my car was loaded down with me, my Aussie puppy Abbey Road, my junk, and a brand new 35lb kettle bell, and some loaned out olympic weight bumper plates, some resistance bands, and my jump rope. If I wanted to keep the progression going in a forward direction, I needed to keep up with this. My friend has been so gracious to let me borrow these weights, has helped me through difficult transition times, and has provided instruction, critique, encouragement, and answers when I needed them the most. I am truly thankful for that. I can't afford to join a box right now, so he has pretty much taken the roll of personal trainer (gag me. I hate that label, but that's the best way to describe it, I think).
So, this break, it has been me, my bands, my rope, Mickey (I named the KB since it always looks like Mickey Mouse ears to me; I like yelling at him when I get frustrated), and my ghetto barbell set. I swing away in the barn aisle way, knocking out burpees in the dirt, slinging hay over my head when I practice double unders, and almost pulled down the stall door doing kips, but it makes me happy. I like being able to do these things in the privacy of my own home, no lines or muscle men to have to deal with, no worrying about what I look like in front of people, no worries. The downside is the motivation to meet someone at the gym is not there. There's no one but myself to let down or break a training date, no one to push me to squat deeper or jump higher. It's been a good test to see how committed I really am. Commitment. Interesting...
Sunday, December 19, 2010
This lovely young woman has my heart, and has had it since I was 9 years old when she entered this world.
She's 16 this year, and has grown into the most beautiful, precious, kind-hearted, cherished young lady I've ever had the priviledge of knowing. She is my neice, Haleigh Noel Wright. She and her equally precious (but in a rough-and-tumble boy sort of way), 11-year-old brother Hunter Thomas, have been such huge blessings in my and my family's lives. We have been blessed to watch them grow, see them struggle, be pushed away by them, but through it all they love us as deeply as we love them. God's love reflected through their eyes.
These beautiful gifts from the Lord have been through Hell. They had to edure the pain of their parents' divorce after 14 years of marriage, and they suffered greatly (especially Haleigh). We have been busy with school and work (other non-eternal, temporary distractions), and have seen them very infrequently over the past year or two. This, coupled with family strife typical of miscommunication and broken hearts shattered on the floor, we have missed out on major aspects of their lives, but no more. Last night my sister and I took Haleigh to see The Houston Ballet perform The Nutcracker at the Wortham Theater. We had so much fun getting all dressed up, seeing all the glitter and sparkle of Christmas in the city, and enjoyed being "big girls". But the most touching part of the evening came when we stopped for dinner on the way.
We wanted to avoid the crowds, so Haleigh chose the 59 Diner (an old-fashioned 1950's style diner that serves juicy burgers and greasy french fries, with chocolate malts and peach cobbler). As we sat in the booth, Brittany and I facing this gorgeous young woman who still lovingly calls us BiBi and CiCi, we began to talk about how much we missed her, and she began to tell us how much we had missed. She has been dealing with the divorce, and more substantially the events that lead to the divorce, much harder than her younger brother. She's had run ins with the police, done things with boys she regrets, and has been diagnosed with some anxiety disorders and other such labels the world likes to put on children when they can't give them the answers they so desperately need (they need the love of their Heavenly Father).
As we sat there, crying and holding each others hands, probably completely freaking our poor waitress out, we realized family and God's love is stronger than the wreck of the past. This girl, her mother, her brother, even her father, they are all children of the same God who sent Christ to live among humans, live a sinless life, and die as the perfect sacrifice for all of our sins, only to raise from the dead and sit at the right hand of God the Father until He returns to take us home. We need to take comfort in that.
Why is the past so difficult to leave in the past? I think partly our human nature hangs onto it as a defense mechanism. Almost as if we are less likely to repeat past mistakes or let others fail us in the same way if we always hold onto those passed trangressions. Once bitten, twice shy. I think there is wisdom to be gained by analyzing the past and making choices based on the lessons learned from those experiences, but remaining bitter about wrongs that have been done to you or those closest to you is only going to debilitate you. You. Not the person who wronged you. The damage has been done, but 90% of the time the wrong doer finds a way to deal with his or her sin, but we can't let it go. True forgiveness means you walk away from the sin and don't bring it up again. I see my mom bring the past up daily and I want to shake her sometimes and scream "Just let it go already!" I don't want to be like that. I want to forgive like Christ forgave us:
"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." Colossians 2:13-15
So, my Haleigh is on the mend, but it will take time. It will take mentorship and true love from her family, but mostly from her Father, Jehovah.
These beautiful gifts from the Lord have been through Hell. They had to edure the pain of their parents' divorce after 14 years of marriage, and they suffered greatly (especially Haleigh). We have been busy with school and work (other non-eternal, temporary distractions), and have seen them very infrequently over the past year or two. This, coupled with family strife typical of miscommunication and broken hearts shattered on the floor, we have missed out on major aspects of their lives, but no more. Last night my sister and I took Haleigh to see The Houston Ballet perform The Nutcracker at the Wortham Theater. We had so much fun getting all dressed up, seeing all the glitter and sparkle of Christmas in the city, and enjoyed being "big girls". But the most touching part of the evening came when we stopped for dinner on the way.
We wanted to avoid the crowds, so Haleigh chose the 59 Diner (an old-fashioned 1950's style diner that serves juicy burgers and greasy french fries, with chocolate malts and peach cobbler). As we sat in the booth, Brittany and I facing this gorgeous young woman who still lovingly calls us BiBi and CiCi, we began to talk about how much we missed her, and she began to tell us how much we had missed. She has been dealing with the divorce, and more substantially the events that lead to the divorce, much harder than her younger brother. She's had run ins with the police, done things with boys she regrets, and has been diagnosed with some anxiety disorders and other such labels the world likes to put on children when they can't give them the answers they so desperately need (they need the love of their Heavenly Father).
As we sat there, crying and holding each others hands, probably completely freaking our poor waitress out, we realized family and God's love is stronger than the wreck of the past. This girl, her mother, her brother, even her father, they are all children of the same God who sent Christ to live among humans, live a sinless life, and die as the perfect sacrifice for all of our sins, only to raise from the dead and sit at the right hand of God the Father until He returns to take us home. We need to take comfort in that.
Why is the past so difficult to leave in the past? I think partly our human nature hangs onto it as a defense mechanism. Almost as if we are less likely to repeat past mistakes or let others fail us in the same way if we always hold onto those passed trangressions. Once bitten, twice shy. I think there is wisdom to be gained by analyzing the past and making choices based on the lessons learned from those experiences, but remaining bitter about wrongs that have been done to you or those closest to you is only going to debilitate you. You. Not the person who wronged you. The damage has been done, but 90% of the time the wrong doer finds a way to deal with his or her sin, but we can't let it go. True forgiveness means you walk away from the sin and don't bring it up again. I see my mom bring the past up daily and I want to shake her sometimes and scream "Just let it go already!" I don't want to be like that. I want to forgive like Christ forgave us:
"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." Colossians 2:13-15
So, my Haleigh is on the mend, but it will take time. It will take mentorship and true love from her family, but mostly from her Father, Jehovah.
Where do I find me?
I'm home for the Christmas holidays and I've been working for 3
different vets who have become like family to me. The only problem is
that I've been working myself into the ground (as usual). I've had a
hard time even setting aside time to train with CrossFit since I got
back (I made big progress this semester after starting with a friend,
but it's been tough to find the time for myself). Things are not good
at home. This has always been the case, but it seems that every
holiday it's worse. This year it's been more painful to come home than
to be away. It's so hard to see my mom go through the things my dad
has pulled her into, but I feel guilty running away back to school to
escape it. I think I've been working so hard at school & my jobs over
the break just to keep my mind off of things. I've finally realized I
can't fix it, can't even begin to try, and that is tearing me apart.
Friends of mine tell me I have to let family problems go so that I can
move on with my life and build a future for myself. I understand
that, and I agree to a degree, but it's hard to do that without
feeling like I'm abandoning my family.
On a different note, I've been reading James Herriot's All Things Wise
and Wonderful in my limited spare time. Part of me wants to be that
kind of veterinarian: one who treats animals for their owners' sake,
and practices on everything, and is the small-town hero. Part of me
wants to work on horses only, and truly be amazing in that field.
Part of me wants to be a wife/mother and just be excellent at that. I
don't know how any of that will pan out. I want to know now. Like,
yesterday. I want a blueprint. Step-by-step directions. But I want
surprises, spontaneity, adventure, romance. I want to travel. I want
to be loved. I want someone to rescue me, but I want to be strong
enough to carry them when they need it. I guess I want it all. I
don't know if any of that will happen. I sure hope some of it will...
I worry that I'll marry someone like my father and he'll break my
heart the way my dad has done to my mother. I worry I'll never get
married because no one will want to be with a moody girl with a psycho
family. I worry too much.
I just don't know where I find me. I don't know how to let people in,
but not too close. I need to find me, then maybe I can let people in
closer. It just seems like those I allow close end up taking that
priviledge for granted, and I'm the fool in the end. I don't want to
be bitter and angry. I don't want to push people away. I want to love
people. I feel that veterinary medicine is a medium through which I
can share God's love with others. I just need to figure out a
balance. I need to find me.
different vets who have become like family to me. The only problem is
that I've been working myself into the ground (as usual). I've had a
hard time even setting aside time to train with CrossFit since I got
back (I made big progress this semester after starting with a friend,
but it's been tough to find the time for myself). Things are not good
at home. This has always been the case, but it seems that every
holiday it's worse. This year it's been more painful to come home than
to be away. It's so hard to see my mom go through the things my dad
has pulled her into, but I feel guilty running away back to school to
escape it. I think I've been working so hard at school & my jobs over
the break just to keep my mind off of things. I've finally realized I
can't fix it, can't even begin to try, and that is tearing me apart.
Friends of mine tell me I have to let family problems go so that I can
move on with my life and build a future for myself. I understand
that, and I agree to a degree, but it's hard to do that without
feeling like I'm abandoning my family.
On a different note, I've been reading James Herriot's All Things Wise
and Wonderful in my limited spare time. Part of me wants to be that
kind of veterinarian: one who treats animals for their owners' sake,
and practices on everything, and is the small-town hero. Part of me
wants to work on horses only, and truly be amazing in that field.
Part of me wants to be a wife/mother and just be excellent at that. I
don't know how any of that will pan out. I want to know now. Like,
yesterday. I want a blueprint. Step-by-step directions. But I want
surprises, spontaneity, adventure, romance. I want to travel. I want
to be loved. I want someone to rescue me, but I want to be strong
enough to carry them when they need it. I guess I want it all. I
don't know if any of that will happen. I sure hope some of it will...
I worry that I'll marry someone like my father and he'll break my
heart the way my dad has done to my mother. I worry I'll never get
married because no one will want to be with a moody girl with a psycho
family. I worry too much.
I just don't know where I find me. I don't know how to let people in,
but not too close. I need to find me, then maybe I can let people in
closer. It just seems like those I allow close end up taking that
priviledge for granted, and I'm the fool in the end. I don't want to
be bitter and angry. I don't want to push people away. I want to love
people. I feel that veterinary medicine is a medium through which I
can share God's love with others. I just need to figure out a
balance. I need to find me.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Questions Unanswered
As an introverted person, expressing myself can be very difficult at times. I am not like many girls I know (values, standards, age, etc. You'll learn more as you read) and that makes it difficult to let people close to me. I find it very challenging to be around strangers at times, because I know, at some point, they'll realize I'm not like them, and there will be rejection by some. I am utterly astounded when people can "fit in" in groups, whereas I have always struggled. I envy that, to an extent. I wonder if there really is a "normal" out there...
Lately, my heart has been hurting. There are so many reasons why that it's difficult to place the blame on the most debilitating factor, but I think I need to find it. How do you fix something that you can't change? How do you change some one that won't? (you can't) How do you let go (of someone, or a family member, of a parent, of something you can't control...)? How do you become a wife and mother and an amazing, gifted veterinarian? How? How do you maintain humilty, yet stand up for your worth? How do you balance God's will and your desires? I am in a tug of war and I am losing. Today. Not forever. I am His creation and His precious daughter. I am a Princess in His kingdom. This is all I know today and to this I will cling. More to come...
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