Where do I find me?

I'm home for the Christmas holidays and I've been working for 3
different vets who have become like family to me. The only problem is
that I've been working myself into the ground (as usual). I've had a
hard time even setting aside time to train with CrossFit since I got
back (I made big progress this semester after starting with a friend,
but it's been tough to find the time for myself). Things are not good
at home. This has always been the case, but it seems that every
holiday it's worse. This year it's been more painful to come home than
to be away. It's so hard to see my mom go through the things my dad
has pulled her into, but I feel guilty running away back to school to
escape it. I think I've been working so hard at school & my jobs over
the break just to keep my mind off of things. I've finally realized I
can't fix it, can't even begin to try, and that is tearing me apart.
Friends of mine tell me I have to let family problems go so that I can
move on with my life and build a future for myself. I understand
that, and I agree to a degree, but it's hard to do that without
feeling like I'm abandoning my family.


On a different note, I've been reading James Herriot's All Things Wise
and Wonderful in my limited spare time. Part of me wants to be that
kind of veterinarian: one who treats animals for their owners' sake,
and practices on everything, and is the small-town hero. Part of me
wants to work on horses only, and truly be amazing in that field.
Part of me wants to be a wife/mother and just be excellent at that. I
don't know how any of that will pan out. I want to know now. Like,
yesterday. I want a blueprint. Step-by-step directions. But I want
surprises, spontaneity, adventure, romance. I want to travel. I want
to be loved. I want someone to rescue me, but I want to be strong
enough to carry them when they need it. I guess I want it all. I
don't know if any of that will happen. I sure hope some of it will...
I worry that I'll marry someone like my father and he'll break my
heart the way my dad has done to my mother. I worry I'll never get
married because no one will want to be with a moody girl with a psycho
family. I worry too much.


I just don't know where I find me. I don't know how to let people in,
but not too close. I need to find me, then maybe I can let people in
closer. It just seems like those I allow close end up taking that
priviledge for granted, and I'm the fool in the end. I don't want to
be bitter and angry. I don't want to push people away. I want to love
people. I feel that veterinary medicine is a medium through which I
can share God's love with others. I just need to figure out a
balance. I need to find me.