Upside-Down

Life is a little upside down right now, but I'm hanging on..

...There's a huge future ahead of me, with lots of decisions involved in that future.  To be perfectly honest, the opportunities, options, decisions,  risks, uncertainties, and unknowns have me pretty scared.  I feel like I'm looking over a valley from the top of a mountain and I have to decide which route to take to get to the other side.  For some reason, the route I choose feels like it will change my life forever with no going back.  I guess this is true in some ways, but a little dramatic in another...

Colorado won my heart.

The path is narrow, but the destination worth the danger and sacrifice

 I'm excited to start this new path and look forward to the adventures that are in store, but I'm scared at the same time.  I'm very independent, but it would be nice to have some guarantees.  My life is so varied.  I am a Christian and daughter of the Most High God.  I am a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  The people in my life who love me will always be there for me, no matter where I move next June.  I am humbled by their love and belief in me. 

Kristen and I have been friends since the day we were born.  She's married with a beautiful daughter.  So very different, but so very close.

These girls are my life.  Aly and Christina are my best friends, Brittany is my sweet sister.  They keep me from doing extremely stupid things, and reel me back in when I slip stupidity past them, with regret.  We are all in such different stages of life, but we fit together like peanut butter and jelly.

Fourth year of vet school is exciting, fun, intimidating, and a constant reminder that the clock is ticking down to the "real world."  I'm almost ready.  Almost.

Dr. Philips (aka "Phil") has been one of my biggest supporters.  She doesn't mince words and tells me when I'm being an idiot, while encouraging me when I forget the gifts God has given me.

Adele, one of my favorite patients.  She was intense, but I learned so much with her.  She is a big reason I want to be a surgeon, now.

Cutting a colic with Dr. Whitfield.  Being treated like a doctor is intimidating, but forces you to rise to the challenge.

I am a CrossFitter. This will never change.  My prayer is that I will continue to live a life of fitness, and I will pass that lifestyle along to my husband, children, and community when the time arises. 

These images are a collage that depicts the many facets of my life, my personality, and my support system.  I doubt anyone actually reads this, but if you do, I would ask for your prayers.  I am at the point where I need to make decisions that will affect my future in a dramatic way.  I need to rest in the Spirit of the Lord and know that His plan is perfect, no matter how hard that decision may be.  Where I will move, who I will work for, and who I will allow to influence my life.  It's a blessing to be single at this time so that I can make these decisions without having to factor in another person's future into the equation, but that also makes the decisions frustrating.  I simply ask that you pray that my ears and eyes would ignore the draw of paths that are not in God's plan, and that my heart and spirit would become hypersensitive to the Voice of the Holy Spirit so that my will would be lined up with His. All other things fall into place when your spirit is in alignment with the Will of God.

The List Keeps Growing

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/27484-the-misconceptions-of-manhood

This article hit home for me.  It asks the questions that seem to be recurring issues with the men I have known lately.  Where have all the MEN gone?

Every time someone enters your life, you learn something from them, the situation, and how you both change from it.  Obviously, this is true in romantic relationships, but it's also true in relationships of different kinds.  After every break up, (romantic, or otherwise), you change a little.  You learn something about yourself, and sometimes it's a truth you didn't want to admit.  Recently, I was reminded that my initial instinct is almost always right, but I'm too stubborn and naive to trust it.


We've all heard of the "Deal-Breakers" people have.  You know, the qualities, habits, conditions that make you say "Oh no, this will never work."  Every time someone comes into my life, I find myself trying to be open-minded and find the good in them.  I look at their differences from me as good things that will challange me and push my limits.  Sometimes these are good things.  For example, I started CrossFit because the guy I was dating was a CrossFitter and he got me interested (let's just be honest, I did it to make him happy).  In that instance, his charming, flirtatious, complementary character and confidence were the first reasons why I was attracted to him.  Soon, those attributes were revealed to be truly reasons why I began to distrust him and his confidence was actually arrogance.  Regardless, after the break up, I continued to CrossFit and it has truly changed my life (as cliche as that sounds).  It has made me more confident in how I look, and more importantly, it reminds me that being ridiculously skinny (which I could never be; I love to eat too much) is impossible for me, and isn't conducive to the life I will lead as a large animal veterinarian.  Strong is beautiful and that is how I feel.  Beautiful because that's how God created me.  Zits and cellulite and crooked smile and all.

Ok, so back to "The List".  It's the deal breakers that make you say "Don't even think about it. Remember what happened last time?  No, ma'am."   The list is growing, and I'm sure I've forgotten a few important points. but below are the big ones that have recently joined the chorus.  (some are qualities that must be present, and some are attributes that are an automatic NO):

Must love Jesus.  (This used to be more flexible and just meant "believes in God".  Not enough.  I'm talking about a man who is truly seeking after God first, and me second.  A man who challenges me, holds me accountable, and makes me dive deeper in love with my Creator.  This is non-negotiable.  If they aren't on fire for God now, it will only get harder as careers, families, children, etc get in the way.)

Must chase after me.  (He needs to want to pursue me.  A daughter of the Most High God deserves to be treated as such.  I know I'm far from perfect and don't pretend to be, but I'm tired of being the one putting in all the effort and getting very little in return.  Guys are meant to be the pursuers in the relationship by God's design.  They are eventually supposed to be the providers, protectors, and leaders of the household.  When they can't even plan a special surprise dinner for the two of you, there's not much hope for the future).

Must support CrossFit.  (They don't have to be Rich Froning or be super crazy built.  I really don't care about that.  All I care about is being able to share with him the milestones I'm making and have him understand, support, encourage, and challenge me.  Getting scolded because he's worried I'll get "too bulky and big" only crushes my self image.  It makes you feel like you have to hide your PRs and skill accomplishments,  No fun.  He doesn't have to actually do it himself [although, I'd much prefer that], but he does need to make fitness part of his life.  On the other hand, I don't want him to be so obsessed with CrossFit that I feel like I'm unable to keep his attention unless I win every WOD.  I can compare myself to Annie T. all day long, but don't you dare talk to me about how pretty and talented she is.  Kiss. Of. Death.)


Must have hair.  (I'm sorry, bald guys.  I'm not one of those girls who thinks bald heads are hot.  I like hair.  My first BF was in the Corps of Cadets and all I wanted was for the next guy I dated to have some hair.  The last guy I dated was bald and I tried to think it was cute.  It's not.  Sorry.)


Can't be lazy or introverted.  (I'm quiet until you get to know me, so I need someone who will start conversations and suggest things to do that will be unexpected, exciting, challenging, new, and will push me out of my comfort zone, within reason.  At parties or other social events, I want them to want to show me off and introduce me to people.  I usually stand around in the corner at social gatherings.  Two of us in the corner only leads to "let's just go home".  Boring.  Also, I'm a morning person and it's no fun dating a guy who can sleep past 10 with no problem.  I can't do that and I don't want to have to wait around for them to wake up so we can go do something fun together.  Hiking, CF, horses, camping, rock climbing, all of the activities I want to share with my future husband require getting up and moving fairly early.  GET UP!)


Must be trustworthy.  (I realize this may be asking too much from some people, and maybe seems obvious to others, but I have some major trust issues, so this is a big deal.)


Must be the same person around me as they are around their family, their best friend, their boss, their professors, or their pastor.  (A man of character.  That's all I'm asking).


Supportive of Celibacy.  (Ideally, I want to marry a virgin like myself.  If I have been through so much and still maintained my promise to God, I pray God will bring a man into my life who has done the same. However, I know mistakes and sin happen, and God is the ultimate forgiver and healer.  So if they've made that mistake in the past, it's ok, but only if they recognize it as a mistake, and are vowed to stay away from it.  I'm not compromising this.  Three relationships I've had have ended because of this stance I've taken [they make all kinds of other excuses, but this is the bottom line].   I'm not sure why guys think that I'm joking when I say it's not happening until marriage.  That's not a funny joke.  Really guys, no means no.  If you can't handle that, you need to re-evaluate YOUR deal breaker list).

There are so many other little things, like I want their last name to be better than mine so I'll have a cool
Dr. ______, or I'd prefer them to be a brunette with hazel eyes, or other silly things like that.  But these are the big ones.  I'll try to update the list as I think of others, and please feel free to leave additions in the comments.  (that's assuming anyone actually reads this).

Reflections

The semester is drawing to a close and sooo much has happened in such a short time.  I can't believe how quickly time flies when you're in vet school.  Staying busy has helped me immensely.  When life gets hard, I desperately need an outlet into which I can direct my frustrations.  School, work, CrossFit.  Those are the venues through which I can escape.


I know it's been quite a while since I last posted (but you don't care, because I seriously doubt this gets read by anyone other than me, but it's helpful for me at times).  I could bore you with the minutia of boy drama (they come, they flirt, they stay until they realize my standards don't budge, then they're gone.  Seen it time and time again.  When it's right, it won't be so frustrating.  I find peace in that), the frustrations of daily battles at work, or the stress of the curriculum as a 2nd year vet student, but I won't.  You see, the way I look at life is this: to each person, whatever they're facing is the biggest mountain imaginable.  It may be a debt that just seems impossible to overcome, or a boy who broke their heart that they can't seem to move on from, or it may be just picking up a barbell.  It may be that their home is no longer their home, and nothing even resembles the life they once knew.  It could be a fatal illness, or the frustrations of parents not understanding their children as they grow older and evolve.  Regardless, each person's mountain is huge to them, even if it's minuscule to you.  So, don't judge them.  Don't chastise them.  Don't envy them.  Pray for them and help however you can.  This I have learned.

Over the past few months...well, the last year, really...I have learned that God has His hand on my life.  I have made decisions that fulfilled my own selfish will, and even convinced myself at times that it was God's will, when I knew in my spirit that I was only satisfying my flesh and I was actually grieving my Savior's heart.  If something doesn't work out, don't force it.  God has saved me from such immense heartache and I can't even begin to express to you how grateful I am for that.  It's funny how, when you're in the middle of a heartbreak, it seems like the most miserable thing in the world, and everything reminds you of it.  But, when you take a step back and realize God snatched you out of the situation in the nick of time before you were hurt far worse, suddenly life begins to brighten right up.  The heartache I was going through was a direct result of me ignoring God's still, small, stern, loving voice warning me of danger.  I ignored it, and I got burned.  I just wish that lesson would stick.  I pray it does so that I don't have to go through that, again.


Sometimes I am so super quiet, and then some days I can't shut up and I wish I could control my tongue.  It's almost like I can stand back and watch me make an utter fool of myself, but I'm helpless to stop it.  Tragic.  I just pray that, someday, my future husband will find all of my horrible imperfections simply intriguing and irresistible :-)


This summer I will be traveling to different amazing vet hospitals to work with some elite surgeons all across the country.  I am so very blessed and excited to get away from this town with all of its memories.  I will miss my church family, classmates, and especially my CF friends.  I pray God uses me for His glory over the summer and I will focus on His plan, and leave the frustrations of this town behind me.  I am in the middle of a brand new start and I am so ready to shake the dust from my feet and run!

New Jeans, New Beginnings, and Consequences for Standards

Have you ever made a decision to stand by your standards and shortly after the line was drawn in the sand, the way people reacted to your decision shocked you?

Let me start off by stating something that many people I've talked to recently find difficult to understand: I'm a virgin and will stay that way until I get married.  I never really thought that would be such a big deal until I got older and the decision I had made before God became one that I had to follow through with and question my reasoning.  Recently, it's been a deal breaker for some relationships I've been in, and I have mixed emotions over the outcomes of those situations.

I'm glad that I can honestly say that I have stood my ground when it became easy to falter.  In the heat of the moment, compromises can be made very easily and I've seen how easily I can justify stretching those boundaries juuuusst a hair...but I'm so thankful the Holy Spirit has held me in check.  I've almost crossed the line, and God snatched me back.  Don't let me fool you into thinking I never struggle with desires, and I'm a perfect saint who never even entertains those types of thoughts or situations.  I've just been granted the strength and fear to say no.  As a guy was pursuing me, he couldn't understand why I chose to stay away from something that he thought was an essential part of a healthy relationship.  The world looks at sex as just another step in the natural progression of "trying a person out".  He asked me if I would buy a car I never test drove.  Seriously?!  Not the same thing.  I believe sex is a covenant you cut with the other person, and it holds the same level of commitment as a binding contract, as the promise God made to Abraham, as the devotion He declared for His children.  There is no way I'm going to cut a covenant with someone who has not committed their life, first to God, and second to me in front of God and our families.  I can't bear the thought of handing my heart to my husband someday saying "here's my heart, honey.  I know it's not quite all there, and there are pieces missing, but those were just from other guys.  I thought I loved them, but maybe not.  Here's what's left!  Love you!"

I know that over-simplifies the situation, and there are a million reasons why people have crossed that line in their pasts; many reasons why I have almost crossed that line, but I want to encourage those that have made that mistake that there is beautiful redemption through Jesus Christ.  I think sin is sin, and no matter if you cheat on your taxes, on your girlfriend/wife, or steal a grape from the grocery store, it's all sin in God's eyes.  If the man I'm supposed to marry is not a virgin, that will be difficult for me to get past, but not impossible.  He will have to be as committed to repentance and treating me as a daughter of the Most High as I am to honoring and respecting him.  It just saddens me to know that, for that reason alone, many people, a few guys, have decided I was "too good for them" or "not experienced enough" or whatever other lie they chose to believe.  I just know that those men were not meant to be in my life for whatever reason.  God knows why and I wholly trust Him.  I'm not even sad or upset about them walking away, or me walking away from them.  I'm sad that they can't see the truth and haven't grasped the severity of something they find to be no big deal.  It IS a big deal!  Sometimes I wonder if my husband will ever show up...

Ok, on to the New Jeans part--

The last time I bought new jeans was May of last year when I had porked out and couldn't fit into any of my old ones.  I bought size 9s and felt so ashamed, but there wasn't much I could do about it at the time.  Over the summer I was more active than I had been during my first year in vet school, but I wasn't working out or anything.  When I got back to school and started CrossFitting, it took me a while before I was consistently doing it, and adding diet change, as well.  Now, it's March and I just bought a pair of size 4 jeans!  I feel wonderful, I feel attractive, I feel stronger.  I competed in my Box's in-house competition a few weeks ago, and signed up for the 2011 CrossFit Open Games.  I did the first Rx'd WOD on Saturday and, even though I'm not anywhere near the top, I'm on the board.  I completed a WOD that people across the world are doing, and I never thought I could do, but I've found a side of me that I didn't know was in there... A part of me that says "You've done worse than this before and you finished it."  Or "You're over half-way there.  Don't stop.  Just keep moving!"  I've seen how that has overlapped into school, difficult times at home, and other things I'm struggling with.  My class had 2 weeks of non-stop exams (7 in 13 days) and everyone was exhausted.  I caught myself comparing it to a WOD.  Finishing one test was like finishing a round.  The last exam was like sprinting back into the box at the end of Helen.  I have begun to see how much farther I can push myself and how far I've come.

Helen is one of the named WODs in CF.  It's 3 rounds for time of a 400m run, 21 kettlebell swings (35#) and 12 pull-ups.  This was the first WOD I ever did and the guy that had me do it was clearly trying to kill me.  I could barely jog and got really light headed after the 2nd round.  I didn't know how to push myself then, and frankly, I thought I was going to die, so I quit.  I vowed never to quit a WOD again.  That was in October of 2010.  I did Helen again in December when I got my own kettlebell (to break him in and to see how tough holding a brand-new slick KB was, with dew-covered pull-up bars and fun stuff like that), and finished it in 24:40.  Terrible, but completed.  A few weeks ago my box had us do Helen and I finished in 12:02.  I may not be in the top ten on the Games website, or the fastest in my division, but I'm making progress against myself.  I have to keep reminding myself of that daily when I compare myself to the other girls at the gym.  It's good for me to compare at times, but I can't let it discourage me.

Mom and I went to the Under Armour store yesterday because I wanted to get some shorts.  Yes, that's right.  Ciera Guardia now owns shorts.  I'm not sure how to react to that, either.  Just keep breathing.  Mom has started doing some CF with me.  I taught her how to warm up correctly, squat, lunge, etc.  I've got her deadlifting and push-pressing, and we go walking on Sundays.  I plan on buying some dumbbells for her to use until she gets stronger.  She wants to be stronger and I'm really proud of her.  She bought a pair of Under Armour capris and a T-shirt, and the dude that was helping us whistled at her!  She's adorable and I hope I'm that cute when I'm her age. 

Well, If you've gotten this far down, you might just be bored.  Sorry for the ramblings.  It's been a while since I've been able to write.  I hope I've given you something to think about, and maybe have encouraged you a bit.

Strong is Relative

CrossFit: Olympic lifts, agility, gymnastics, muscle endurance, balance, coordination, control, strength. All these things have given me an outlet for the frustration I've been experiencing lately in life. During my first year of vet school, it was torture to be inside the walls of that building. I felt like a failure and couldn't wait to run away, but no one knew that. This year, that building has become my escape (kinda). Everything it represents gives me hope for my future. Although I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and the floor keeps getting pulled out from under my feet daily (no, this isn't about a boy), that building reminds me that there's a rope tied around my waist pulling me to higher ground (which is, ironically, what Sierra means... A higher place...)


So, as I progress with CF, I have been analyzing my goals and motivations. Helen was my first taste of CF and I have no earthly clue why I ever came back after that WOD, but somehow I did. Here I am today; Squatting over 120 for 5 reps, no sweat, doing handstands and burpees in the Rec Center, and deadlifting more than my body weight after just a few months. This is my outlet; my escape; my thing. Why? Because I can. Because I couldn't before and now I can. Because I am worth more than a lump on the couch. Because I want to be able to look hot naked when I get married. Because I want to be a vet that doesn't get winded pulling horse shoes and chasing lazy ponies on a lunge line. Most importantly, I need something to attack. I may never be as strong as the top CF ladies (frankly, I don't even like knowing how far from their ability I am), but I will be stronger than yesterday and will be able to throw my children in the air as many times as they want, just to see them smile.


Stronger. That is beautiful in its own way. My close friends that really know what I've been through lately don't understand how I'm able to keep it all together. What they don't see is the tears of anger and frustration I shed in the truck when I'm alone. I do break, but I don't want people to think that I shatter. As a Christian, I feel like non-believers could see my life and say "wow, if that's the misery that comes with Christianity, I want no part of that". But I was reminded by a friend today that the poise and grace I've shown through all of this (his words, not mine), are the greatest testimony of all. Maybe he's right. He usually is...

Life Rolls on

I feel shipwrecked. My family hit an ice storm and we've been scattered in every direction, with nothing left (although "nothing" is a relative term...) I don't know where we'll go from here as a family. I know I have to press on and focus on school because that is my future. I have to protect that at all costs so that I have a chance of avoiding the mistakes I've watched my parents make over the years. But, in that I feel so terribly selfish. There's nothing I can do to fix all the problems at home, but I still feel like I could do something more...

I trained at the Rec this morning early. I'm trying to do this CrossFit thing on my own to avoid pain from the past, but motivation is hard to find. Somehow, when sleep doesn't come and your mind won't shut off, and it takes every corny joke and unspoken cuss word to keep yourself from tearing up, getting up early in the 20F windchill to run, squat, and do burpees seems like a great escape. I hate running because it emphasizes every weak point I have. Cardio, focus, confidence, and the realization that I'm probably the worst runner ever. This morning I ran past a man in his wheelchair, pushing himself hard on the track. Suddenly I was grateful I had the blessing of functional legs that are blessed to burn like fire. I texted my mom and sister after my workout:

"As much as I hate running, the guy in the wheelchair on the track this morning made me grateful I can run. I'm grateful to God that, through all this terrible mess, I can stumble along with you"

Britt's response: "Awww' I'm glad that we have each other too sister. I'm also glad that you have legs :)"

It might feel like the end of the world, but the world is round and its end won't come until its Creator says so. Until then, I'll keep running.

Getting Focused

I have just a few days left before I go back to school.  I'm starting my second semester of my second year of vet school.  It amazes me how fast these semesters fly by, but even more so how quickly the breaks evade me.  I'm excited to push forward for many reasons, but reluctant in some ways, as well.

I feel like everyday I devote to learning more about veterinary medicine brings me closer to an answer to the biggest question in my mind: Where do I fit into all of this and how am I to use my education for God's will and His glory? 

This little guy is the Studybug.  My ex-boyfriend used to call me that when I had to study.  He's always brought a smile to my face when I'm hitting the books hard (which was almost every night last semester, but it paid off with almost a 4.0).  My ex had lots of nicknames for me, and I realize that's a bit childish looking back on it, but at the time, it was a symbol that I belonged to somebody, or better put, that someone wanted to let the world know that I was worth the time and effort he had invested in me.  He was so good to me and he really set the standard high.  I see clearly now that he and I were not meant to be, but that idealism still reigns in my heart today.  That's the problem.

So, as I face another semester of scholastic challenges that will probably challenge my emotions and self-control, as well as my intellect, I find myself wishing I had someone there who will support me as I go through this, even though they can't fully understand what I'm facing.  I'm the tough one in my family and I want to remain strong and self-sufficient, but I'm a traditionalist and a romantic to a fault.  I want someone as strong as me, preferably stronger, to be able to fall to pieces in front of.  No knight on a white horse (they always have manure stains on them, anyway), no dragon slayer, just a strong shoulder and an ear to listen that will want me just as I am.  One that will be honest, and will light up when I enter the room.  One that has my best interest at heart, even when he makes mistakes.  Lord knows I will always make mistakes. 

The challenge this semester will be to not wonder where that guy is.  The challenge will be to continue to pursue fitness and take care of myself in the meantime.  The challenge will be to ignore lonliness and focus on all the blessings in my life.  The challenge is to keep my mind from fearing I will settle for a man like those that have broken my heart in the past; like my father... like MM... I need to stay in the Word and keep reminding myself that God is the Lover of my soul and wants me above all others.  He will sustain me.